YEAH, AIR TRAVEL
DOES SEEM A LITTLE
WEIRD RIGHT NOW.
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Re: Increasing
Airline Revenue
Through Fear.
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From: Larry [CENSORED], Marketing
To: J.M. [CENSORED], CEO, [CENSORED] Airlines
Per our conversation in the elevator this morning, here's that short note to let you know how things are progressing on our end.
Now that we've gotten
liquids banned from aircraft, it's time that we ramped up our revenue
generation by charging for not just alcohol but all beverages onboard
the aircraft.
We can also now
begin to sell those liquid products that travelers need but can no
longer bring through carryon luggage. An airline-brand-specific line of
hair-care products and toiletries is called for.
This presents two
unique problems: the availability of space for warehousing product
onboard the aircraft, and those passengers who seek to subvert our
revenue generation (and anti-terrorism measures) by placing their
liquid-based necessities in their checked baggage.
The former dovetails
nicely with the next phase of our plan, the elimination of all carryon
luggages. Overhead bins will now serve as our onboard stock storage.
The latter, of course, leads us to our plan for eliminating baggage
entirely. Instead, we will provide consumers with the means to ship
their baggage to their destination in a timely fashion. (It has been
suggested that we do this by placing each passenger's baggage onboard
the same flight as the passenger in question. I think this bears
looking into.)
Surely, we can do
more to maximize profits beyond these simple measures. I believe we can
convince Homeland Security that all foreign material onboard an
aircraft is suspect; therefore, all worn clothing is also a potential
hazard.
Each terminal gate
shall be fitted with a clothing boutique that will sell a complete line
of airline-branded apparel (or "clothing solutions"), which passengers
may purchase rather than board the aircraft nude (which, if not
already, will be prohibited) after the confiscation of clothing. By
"complete line," I mean nothing more than one-size-fits-all socks,
slippers, sweatpants, and shirts. Fashion is hardly a concern in
matters of security. This approach will serve to keep our R&D and
production costs to a minimum.
Upon further
consideration, I suggest we also add a $20 handcuff fee to the price of
each ticket, so we may recoup the cost of restraining passengers. (See
my report on the program rollout scheduled for Thanksgiving.)
First-class restraints, such as padded handcuffs, and the option to
forgo three-point restraint are, of course, an upsell.
Also, the department
has still not resolved the issue of how to ban the passengers from the
planes while still providing an incentive to purchase tickets. We might
want to backburner this one for a while.
Lastly, I will be
out of the office beginning this Friday, as I'm traveling to Oregon to
see family. I've taken an extra few days to allow for travel by Amtrak.
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